We made it to Championship Weekend. It seems like just yesterday we were getting kicked out of Magner’s building and finishing our draft from the parking lot.  That was also the day that Fox had no idea who had already been drafted and yet he’s still playing this week.  Makes me feel real good about the quality of our league.  Well, Brad Johnson and Trent Dilfer won Super Bowls and Jim Kelly and Dan Marino did not, so sometimes things don’t make sense.

Championship

Bolsheviks (8-6; 1419.23 points) vs Hamburg Hooligans (10-4; 1519.63 points)

Previous meeting: This is the first time they have played this season

Bolsheviks come in on an 8-game winning streak.  Their last loss was in Week 8 against the Nigerian Yaks.  The Bolsheviks scored 54.36 points in what was their 4^th loss in a row.  Since then, they have averaged 121.79 pts per game, having scored less than 110 points only once.  They scored 90.76 in Week 14 against Blitz-Craig, who they beat in Week 14 just like they dispatched them last week. 

The Hamburg Hooligans, our defending champs, also had an 8 game winning streak earlier this season.  In weeks 3-10, they averaged119.93 points per game and Week 6 was the only game that they scored fewer than 112 points (102.8) in that stretch.  But they were 2-2 to close out the season, scoring in the 80s twice, until last week’s outburst where they overcame a 42.75-point deficit en route to putting up 147.12, their highest score of the season.

This is the Bolsheviks 5^th time in the championship.  They won in 2008, 2009 and 2010 and lost in 2007.

This is also the Hooligans 5^th time in the championship.  They won in 2011, 2017 and last year.  They lost in 2001.

Both teams’ losses in the ‘ship came at the hand of the Nigerian Yaks.  As God intended it to be.

The Hooligans are attempting to be the third team to win consecutive titles, following the Yaks (’01 and ’02) and the Bolsheviks (’08, ’09, ’10).

The last time the Bolsheviks were in the finals, they were led by David Garrard, Ryan Torain, Peryton Hillis, Miles Austin, Kenny Britt and Zach Miller. 

Prediction: This is actually a very good matchup between what is arguably the best two teams that we have this season, which never happens.  Bolsheviks have been en fuego and it’s tough to see that changing this week.  Pair that with the “Curse of the Best Team,” and it’s not looking good for the Hamburg Hooligans.  That being said, that curse should have taken the Hooligans out last week and they not only survived, but thrived.  So it will come down to what it should come down to – the head coach.  The Bolsheviks’ Matt LaFleur lost and the Hooligans DeMeco Ryans won, so it has been written, the Hamburg Hooligans will successfully defend their championship with a 5-point win.

Toilet Bowl

Balls of Hate (6-8; 1361.5 points) vs LiQ-ourballs (6-8; 1478.63 points)

Previous meeting: Liq beat Balls of Hate in Week 6 of 2024

Balls of Hate have won three in a row and have scored 120+ in three of their last five.  LiQ-ourballs have won three in a row and had their stinker last week, scoring only 76.54, but they were fortunate to be playing the impotent Turbo, who only put up 72.16.

LiQ-ourballs has previously won the Toilet Bowl in 2015.  Balls of Hate has never won a Toilet Bowl.

Prediction: DK Metcalf’s stupidity really hurts Balls of Hate.  They had to replace him with Xavier Worthy, who scored 0.10 points.  Thanks for the help.  I can’t believe the Bills let KC have a generational talent like that.  Meanwhile, LiQ played the wrong WR, choosing Mike Evans over Michael Wilson, who has been the #3 WR in the league the past 3 weeks.  But boneheaded coaching decisions won’t matter when your kicker outscores the other guy’s WR2 by 16 points.  And you have Josh Allen.  LiQ-ourballs prove to have the bigger balls and win by 20.