The one good thing about this time of the year, even if I am no longer part of the games, is that half of you aren’t either so I don’t have to try to come up with something nice to say about your pathetic teams.  Hairbear, just own it.  Your team stinks.  Every year.  You are the new Warlord’s.

Championship Semifinals

Bolsheviks (8-6; 1419.23 points) vs Team Blitz-Craig (10-4; 1473.74 points)

Previous meetings:  Blitz-Craig won by about 6 in week 1, Bolsheviks won by about 10 in Week 14.

I don’t know.  The Bolsheviks might have a horseshoe up their ass this season.  Last week they posted one of the league’s all-time highest scores.  This week, they had Shaheed playing on Thursday who didn’t do much of anything, but did return a punt for a TD to salvage an acceptable WR2 game.  Then they had Caleb Williams, who didn’t do anything all game, but then led two TD drives in his last two drives to put up a solid 22 out of really nowhere.  Meanwhile, Blitz-Craig left Charbonnet and his 16.74 points on the bench.   

Prediction: If they play 10 times, Blitz-Craig probably wins 7.  Gibbs and Chase need to go off for Blitz-Craig to have a shot here, which is certainly not outside of the realm of possibilities.  But Bolsheviks already whacked them once this month and they will again. Bijan probably has a huge game, which should offset Gibbs, and the rest of the Bolsheviks skill players will prevail.  Once again I question the legitimacy of the league whenever this happens, but Bolsheviks will be headed back to the ‘ship.

Trash Pandas (8-6; 1380.31 points) vs Hamburg Hooligans (10-4; 1519.63 points)

Previous meetings: Trash Pandas won by 20 in week 2, Hooligans won by 21 in week 13.

Speaking of questioning the legitimacy of the league, what the hell are Trash Pandas still doing here?  Turns out that much like Balls of Hate, all that Pandas needed to be good was to let someone else draft for them.  Our defending champion Hooligans were easily the best team all season, but that tends to guarantee an early exit from the playoffs.  Will that trend continue?

Prediction: The short answer is yes.  The Pandas just opened the game with a stiff right that may not have quite taken off the Hooligans jaw like Jake Paul’s was obliterated by Anthony Joshua, but they are barely still standing.  A 42.75-point bomb from a WR is going to be tough to overcome.  Hooligans only chance is if both Tayler and Warren go off, but that doesn’t see likely.  Instead, the Trash Pandas should cruise into the championship setting up one of the most pathetic  um, highly anticipated, title bouts in quite some time.  Put it on the board.

Toilet Bowl Semifinals

Balls of Hate (6-8; 1361.5 points) vs Teddy Ruxpins (5-9; 1341.55 points)

Previous meeting: Ruxpins kicked Balls of Hate’s ass by 1.6 points in week 8.

Ruxpins have pretty simple formula – get 30 points out of TreVeyon Henderson and they will win.  If they don’t, they will likely lose.  Balls of Hate certainly has a much deeper team, but they are capable of putting up some stinkers, much like their 50.98-point effort with their season on the line in week 13.  Which version of the Balls of Hate will show up this week?

Prediction: I don’t think Henderson is scoring 30 against Baltimore, but Judkins might put up 30 against the Bills.  Hell, Lt. Dan might be able to run for 150 against the Bills.  So the name might not be right, but the formula will still work.  Despite Balls of Hate’s strong start, the Ruxpins will somehow find a way to win by 1. 

Turbo (7-7; 1305.41 points) vs LiQ-ourballs (6-8; 1478.63 points)

Previous meeting:  Turbo won by 12 in week 10

What have I done on this earth to deserve to have to continue to write about Turbo?  I have run out of ways to describe his ineptitude.  Let’s just get to the point.  LiQ-ourballs you are being called out.  If I have to write about Turbo again next week, it is clearly your fault.  You face relegation if you lose. 

Prediction: I keep picking against Turbo and he keeps winning, so this week I am picking Turbo to win by 50.  Allen will retire at halftime.  Aaron Jones will refuse to play because he wants Jordan Mason to get some more touches.  Brandon Aubrey will come up short on 3 FGs from 40 yards or less.  And Kimani Vidal will run for 200 and three TDs.  Go Turbo!