OK, enough of the AI slop, this week it’s all me, me, tha realest Johnny P.  For better or worse.  Let’s take a look at our Playoff and Toilet Bowl Quarterfinal matchups.

Bolsheviks (8-6; 1419.23 points) vs Mad Dogs (9-5; 1458.94 points)

Previous meeting:  Bolsheviks kicked Mad Dogs ass by 0.58 points, 110.81 – 110.23, in week 10.

I don’t even quite understand how the Bolsheviks made the playoffs.  They don’t pay attention during the draft and yet, here they are.  More than that, they are on their way to the Conference Finals.  Kyle Pitts and Bijan Robinson already ended this one.  Just like a tree stand in the woods, Mad Dogs season has collapsed under the weight of the moment and left them lying on the ground, clinging to life, and knowing that maybe they will have another shot next year, but this year the deer won.

Prediction:  Bolsheviks can go ahead and rest their starters.  They have a real game next week.

Trash Pandas (8-6; 1380.31 points) vs My Ball Zach Ertz (8-6; 1398.26 points)

Previous meeting:  Trash Pandas eked by MBZE by 41.21, 115.48 – 74.27, in week 10.

Trash Pandas made the playoffs by one game over Turbo.  That game was week 3 when they curb stomped Turbo by 0.06 points and Turbo got 0.2 points out of one of their starting RBs.  My Ball Zach Ertz made the playoffs because the rest of their division sucked.  No matter how it happened, they are here and most of us are not.  This matchup likely comes down to whether or not Jaxson Dart can outscore Puka Nacua and if any of MBZE’s other position players can beat Devon Achane.

Prediction:  I don’t think they can.  Achane scored 40 points in their previous matchup, pretty much the difference in the overall score.  He won’t score 40 again, but he’ll still be the difference in the score this week.  Pandas by 18.

Shock Value (7-7; 1386.34 points) vs Teddy Ruxpins (5-9; 1341.55 points)

Previous meetings:  Ruxpins won in week 1, Shock Value won last week.

Shock Value left Kirk Cousins, who is going to be on the Yak Wall of Fame someday, and his 28.46 points on the bench.  They deserve to lose just for that.  But the Ruxpins have lost three in a row for a reason.  And that reason is simple.  They stink.  In the past three weeks, their leading scorers have been their Defence (we’re close enough to Canada that I can spell that anyway that I want to), Tyrod Taylor and their Kicker.  Not exactly a recipe for success.  Even the Buddy Lee-led Balls of Hate think that the Ruxpins don’t have enough juice in their skill positions.

Prediction: Shock Value was headed toward the real playoffs but then dropped 4 of their final 6.  Ruxpins have only scored less than 90 points 4 times this season.  Shock Value has done it 6.  Ruxpins probably get to 90 this week, Shock Value does not.

Balls of Hate (6-8; 1361.5 points) vs Nigerian Yaks (6-8; 1273.75 points)

Previous meetings:  Balls of Hate won easily in both week 3 and week 12

The Yaks have been alternating winning streaks and losing streaks all season, never winning or losing less than 2 in a row or more than 3 in a row.  Balls of Hate had a 5-game losing streak that sunk their chances at the real playoffs, but they have also scored at least 109 points on 6 occasions.  Their K has already outscored one of the Yaks WRs this week.  We’re straightshooters in these previews so we’ll call it like it is.  The Yaks are the greatest team of all time.  But this season, they are the worst team in the league.  How they made it this far is either a tribute to their greatness, or luck.  You can decide. 

Prediction:  Balls of Hate has a team that on paper, should compete for the Toilet Bowl Championship.  They can’t do that if they stumble against the lowly Yaks.  They won’t.  They say that it’s tough to beat a team three times in one season, well not for Balls of Hate.

Turbo (7-7; 1305.41 points) vs T**m H**s (6-8; 1417.39 points)

Previous meetings:  T**m H**s easily handled Turbo in both week 2 and week 13

Turbo had a player score at least 30 points in both of their matchups with T**m H**s and still got beat soundly in both games.  That’s tough to do.  Meanwhile, H**s seemingly averaged like 80 points a game all year until the past two weeks when they have scored 158.3 and 146.81 respectively, and pretty much completely by accident.

Prediction:  If ever there was a game where I wish both teams could lose, this would be it.  Turbo took a page out of the T**m H**s playbook and is rolling with four backup RBs and no starters.  Good luck picking the right two to start out of that group.  H**s has his RB that scored 27 points last week on the bench this week for Chuba Hubbard.  Why?  Who knows.  Maybe for the same reason they continue to hold onto Trey Benson.  Maybe next year this will become a keeper league and we will let you keep one guy that you already have and that guy will be Benson instead of CeeDee Lamb for T**m H**s?  There’s a better chance of us getting rid of the head coach.  T**m H**s prevails because I refuse to pick Turbo to win anything.

LiQ-ourballs (6-8; 1478.63 points) vs nWo Wulfpack (6-8; 1419.56 points)

Previous meeting: Wulfpack got smoked in week 1 and last week.

Every year someone whines about how many points they scored and yet they didn’t make the playoffs.  Luckily for me, Liq is still using dial-up and a flip phone, so I was spared.  But they should have been.  The only team that scored more than them was the Hamburg Hooligans and the only other team that was even close to them in points scored was Team Blitz-Craig.  Both of those teams went 10-4.  Liq when 6-8.  Wulfpack would have won their division if they could win any games in their division.  Well OK, they did win one.  But 1-5 in division play is tough to overcome.

Prediction:  Will McCaffrey play or not?  It’s taken all year to run into this scenario, but now that the games really matter, here we are.  It probably won’t matter.  The only real way that Liq loses is if the bad luck things really runs its course all the way through and they don’t even win a Toilet Bowl game.  That won’t happen here though.  LiQ-ourballs wins it easily.