IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!
Where dreams come true, legends are made, and at least one coach will blame “injuries” for the next eight months.

Six teams enter. One walks away with $600 and eternal bragging rights. The rest get group therapy.

THE BYE WEEK BEAUTIES

1. Jobu Needs a Refill
The top seed… and also the most unreliable spiritual force in fantasy football history. Jobu has carried this franchise with rum, luck, and pure nonsense. Coach Rich gets a bye week to hydrate, repent, and pray AJ Brown doesn’t take another personal week. If Jobu actually delivers, league historians will call this a miracle. If he doesn’t, well, the rum wasn’t strong enough.

2. CRUSHERS
Coach Chuck lands the two seed by doing what he does best: Quietly assembling a monster and then pretending he “didn’t even check the scores.” This team is like a refrigerator: cold, efficient, and filled with enough leftovers to make you sick. With a bye secured, the rest of the league can only hope Stafford throws six picks on Christmas Day.

WILD CARD CHAOS

3. Hunka Hunka Bernie Love vs. 6. Romulan Warbirds
Coach Brian enters the playoffs after dropping the highest score in league history. The man is hotter than Elvis’s jumpsuit under stage lights. He’s powered by Gibbs, Pickens, JSN, and whatever black magic he learned from watching Alabama film sessions.

Coach Dennis, meanwhile, sneaks in like a raccoon in the garage. He’s inconsistent. He’s unpredictable. He’s dangerous. Bijan and Deebo can drop 50 combined or disappear like your paycheck after Christmas shopping. The Warbirds living their best chaotic life is honestly the greatest threat to league stability.

This matchup is either a blowout or a cosmic event.

Coach Brian: “Elvis has entered the building.”
Coach Dennis: “Chaos is my co-pilot.”

4. Fighting Jive Turkeys vs. 5. Steel Curtain
This is a heavyweight fight disguised as a four-five matchup. Coach Connor storms in with Achane, Etienne, and Mahomes, a trio scientifically engineered to ruin friendships. His team scores in waves—violent, beautiful waves.

Coach Jeff brings the Steel Curtain, aka “Josh Allen and Friends.” If Allen goes thermonuclear again, this could be over before halftime. If Allen plays like he did last week, Jeff will be drinking heavily by the second quarter.

Two teams. One destiny. Several broken remotes.

Coach Connor: “Turkeys aren’t cooked yet.”
Coach Jeff: “Allen is my religion.”

PLAYOFF POWER RANKINGS
Based on science, analytics, and pure disrespect.

1. Hunka Hunka Bernie Love — The Death Star is fully operational.

2. CRUSHERS — Quiet. Terrifying. Like a drone strike.

3. Jobu Needs a Refill — Blessed… but also cursed.

4. Fighting Jive Turkeys — Could score 180 or 98. Flip a coin.

5. Steel Curtain — Josh Allen is 80 percent of this ranking.

6. Romulan Warbirds — Powered by vibes and Bijan.

CLOSING THOUGHT
The money playoffs are here. This is where titles are won, dynasties are made, and someone’s December is completely ruined by a backup tight end scoring two touchdowns.

Buckle up.
Fantasy football joy and fantasy football pain are now the same thing.